I Hate Me...

You know, I am taking Biology, CHemistry, Economics, Math and English. I now regret my choice of subjects. My father thinks these subjects are the best, because it creates a lot of oppurtunities for me, or a lot of options when I eventually go to university.

I should've taken up Music. I love music, I love playing the piano, I want to get creative with music. I wonder why didn't I voice out what I want. Is it because I'm not sure it is the best for me. Where can I go from here? Is the subject useful for my future?

I am so torn. Without Chemistry, I could never be a doctor or a dentist. With Chemistry, everyday will be 'study hard' and activating the 'mojo button'. It's great that it motivates me to research and try and do my best, but I find it a little stressful. I did not do well in Malaysia, what makes me think that coming here will be any different?

I know some ppl might categorize my thinking as pessimistic, but remember that I came in during Term 2. Makingthis important decision depends a lot. My future is at stake. Oppressing state.

*My right hand is shaking badly, typing this. Could be the cold.*

Why did I choose Chem? I love Bio, but without Chem, Bio will be an independent, fruitless subject. Although it teaches me about human anatomy and the workings inside our body, Chem relates dastardly close to it.

I wouldn't want to bother Mr. Lett again, but... from now on, I need the credits. I need at least Merits. As for participating in Sports, P.E. is enough.

One thing, one question that made me realize something about myself: Why ... Why didn't I voice it out to my father that I don't want to take Chemistry?

Some part of me believes that it will open up more options for me and I believe that I can pass with merits if I work hard enough. IF. But come to think of it, without my father around as an academic mentor, it is near impossible for me to understand the tiny molecules that seemed to cause reaction when it collides and producing something different.

I take Biology because I want to know more about the inner workings of our bodily functions. I want to know how to take care of myself when I am alone and also taking care of others (friends, family and perhaps the next generation of kids). Did you know that it broke my heart to see widespread famine and diseases happening in undeveloped areas?

It also hurt me to see ppl destroying themselves by harming themselves, by smoking. I despise ppl who seemed to want to kill themselves, because I had experienced it some while ago.

Suicidal tendencies are by far the most life-threatening. It is because it is commited by yourself. You, have the undenied privacy to access yourself. You are your own person, you can do whatever you want with yourself.

I don't hold a grudge against daredevils. I mean, hey! It's your choice! But ending your life either slowly and painfully or abruptly is a horrible way to die. DOn't you feel sympathy for yourself?

That time, I was so lost, so blurred by my emotions, entire rationality chased out from my mind. I wanted to, at that moment, to physically hurt myself in the worst possible way. Is it wrong to think that? No.

But I stopped myself as the blade was mere centimetres away from my wrist.

It was so close... I could feel my blood rushing there as the inevitable drew closer... but I stopped. I was crying and thought that no one unserstands me, but I still thought for myself. I selfishly thought of myself. I wondered why would I want to scar myself? Is it worth it? Is it worth the pain I will later feel?

No. It is not.

From that day on, I never tried to hurt myself again. I hurt and throw things, but not inflicting pain on myself.

I have no regrets on what I almost did, on what I was thinking, on how and why I thought of hurting myself in the first place... it's because I had experienced it. And I know I would not be tempted to go down that road again.

Music helped a lot. I get to bang the piano and play really loudly and no one would penalise me or suggested that I need anger management. Provided the song is suitable to rise in drastic desibels.

Obviously, music requires theory as well as fingering on the keyboard or picking up and trying other instruments. I wonder what's Music subject like. Would I like it? Would I regret dropping Chem and taking up Music?

No.

I'm just worried that it would cause Mr. Lett his valuable time.

It's not bad... Exams are 2 weeks away, have to make friends all over again since my schedule would change dramatically, might gain other better teachers (or not) and the scholarship programme might be a little tricky.

Weird huh? Me, taking up Econs, but not Accounting. My mom said if you're thinking of getting into Business, take Acc and Econs!! Don't listen to what your father says! Think of yourself!!!

Hah.

Think of yourself. What do you want?